I managed to avoid the topic of martyrdom for the first 11 weeks of this blog, but thanks to St. Cecilia, here we are. I know this is an important part of our church history, but it’s a part I’d rather not face. Then again, part of my intent for this journey into the blogosphere is that I will take it wherever the Lord leads me. I suppose He doesn’t want me to avoid this one forever.
My avoidance of the subject of martyrdom has two parts. I believe I touched on them a little bit in a previous post. One reason I avoid it is that I don’t like to think about the depth of evil that actually exists in our world. The other reason is that I struggle to imagine that I would have the courage to defend my faith when faced with such a threat.
Evil in the World
So let’s start with this part of the issue. I know, we see examples of evil in the world every day. These are the kinds of stories that make the biggest headlines. News outlets share the awful details of terrible things people have done in the world all the time. That’s part of the reason that I rarely watch television news anymore.
As I realized that I needed to take my general attitude in a more positive direction, I began looking for sources of negativity in my life that I could eliminate. Television news was one of the obvious things that had to go. That’s not to say I never check to find out what’s going on in the world. Honestly, with the level of electronic connectedness that we all share, I’m not going to miss anything important. I’m just not going to spend a half hour to an hour every morning and every evening (actually, it was probably more time per day than that for a while) waiting for some newscaster to decide what I need to know.
But even without watching for every terrible story, I still see and hear enough to know that the evil one is making his mark on our world. So I do realize that avoiding the subject of martyrdom does not allow me to live blissfully ignorant of the existence of evil. Still, it seems that this one hits a little closer to home. It’s harder for me to accept.
I mean, the reality is that the martyrs were mostly just living their normal Christian lives, not posing any kind of threat to anyone else. In fact, following Christian ideals would lead someone to be more loving and supportive of others – quite the opposite of a threat. Yet, there were (are?) people so consumed with hatred, that they decided to murder innocent Christians, just for being Christian. I know we’re somewhat spoiled in this country with religious freedom, even if we sometimes feel that we have to fight a bit to keep it. But I don’t understand how it could have ever occurred to anyone that they should impose the penalty of death on people just for believing in Jesus Christ.
That is a level of evil that I don’t want to accept. I remember losing sleep about it as a kid when we learned about the martyrs in religion class. Now that I’m an adult, I sill lose sleep when ideas like that get stuck in my head. That’s why I don’t watch television shows or movies in the horror genre. It’s just not my cup of tea. But to deal with the existence of such things in real life is even worse.
The Question of Faith
Even if I had the kind of temperament that allowed me to face such evil in the world, there is still the other problem for me. This one might be the bigger issue, honestly. How would I respond in a similar situation? Would my faith be enough to give me the courage of the martyrs?
I spend a lot of time considering my faith, patting myself on the back a little too much thinking about my progress in recent times of finally making my faith more central in my life. It’s nice living in my little bubble of safety, enjoying the ideas of God’s love and mercy and contemplating the good news of Jesus Christ in my life. At least I challenge myself to find other ways to share the good news and examine my conscience about whether I’m doing all I can. I try to acknowledge my sins and pray for forgiveness, and I close my prayer journal entry every day with the Jesus prayer, “Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”
But I have never been put to the kind of test the martyrs faced. I want to say that I would loudly express my faith in Jesus. I want to believe I would do that, but I can’t imagine being that brave. I’m not an inherently brave person. My family is full of police officers and a few with military experience, yet my first instinct when faced with danger is to find someplace to hide. Do I have a strong enough faith to overcome that lack of courage?
The bottom line is that I don’t really want to know the answer to that question. I would much rather avoid thinking about it all together. How about you? Do you address these questions in your life? Are you ready to defend your faith at all costs? Is it okay for us all to admit that we are human and have very human limitations? Thank goodness our God is merciful and forgiving!
Dear Lord, thank you for being patient with us as we struggle through the trials of life. We want to believe that our faith is as strong as those of our brothers and sisters who were martyred. We thank you for allowing us to, thus far, avoid that test. Please help us to grow in faith, drawing ever closer to You. Guide us to defend our faith when necessary and to share the beauty of our faith always.