Dealing with Marriage Difficulties

When we call St. Monica a patron saint of difficult marriages, what exactly do we mean? Of course, there are marriages that we would all consider obviously difficult. There are couples who argue almost constantly or seem to have lost sight of the love that brought them together at the altar. Certainly, we all pray for anyone going through that reality every day.

At the same time, does anyone really know of an easy marriage? Doesn’t every marriage have difficult times? There’s a reason we say, “The honeymoon is over!” any time a relationship of any kind begins to be difficult. Many teachers identify that moment in a new school year when the students start to settle in and are more comfortable to act out – “uh oh, the honeymoon is over!” Managers get to that moment when a new employee feels he/she has made the best first impression possible, and now becomes comfortable strolling in a little late or goofing off a bit – “looks like the honeymoon is over!” I’m sure we all have examples.

Why is marriage the context we use to describe difficulties in any relationship? I would argue it is because marriage is possibly the most difficult relationship we can choose. Thankfully, it is also the most wonderful one, for many of us. I now have a partner so I don’t have to face the difficulties of life by myself. Most of the time, we are privileged to experience real unconditional love, modeled after the love of God.

But we are all human. We can’t possibly spend so much time with another person and never disagree. So, while I count myself among the lucky women who have a good, strong marriage, I think I can still turn to St. Monica in those occasional difficult moments.

I remember getting some very important advice before Paul and I got married. Someone told us that it is never okay to threaten divorce, no matter how badly we are arguing. We have to commit to one another up front that divorce is just not an option. Because if divorce is an option, there will certainly be a time when one or both of us will want to take it. In some ways, without that agreement, we might have been hesitant to really argue when we felt conflict, and that’s not healthy for a relationship, either. It’s a simple concept, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. You know, when the honeymoon is over.

Surely, St. Monica endured a truly difficult marriage. While none of the articles I found described the details of her marriage, they all described her husband as having a violent temper. They also said his mother, who also lived with them, had a similar temper. In fact, he didn’t even approve of her devout faith. At first, he wouldn’t even allow her to baptize their children. However, it was that faith that eventually impressed him enough that he did convert to Christianity, as did his mother.

So the next time I hit one of those bumps in the road and I am tempted to feel sorry for my “difficult marriage,” I might just need to remember St. Monica. Her persistence in her marriage, and her devotion to her faith, were able to create a joyful development in her husband’s life, and the life of his mother. Certainly, we all face difficulties in our marriages, but we pray that St. Monica will intercede for us to embrace our humanity but strive for a perfect love.

Lord, we ask that you continue to provide your guiding hand to couples who are struggling with a difficult marriage. Let them find your peace and love, as St. Monica and Patricius were eventually able to find. Please also guide all married couples through the difficult times in their lives together. Let us all learn to truly be Your servants in our marriages, to show Your love for our spouses.