When we think about St. Teresa of Calcutta, we picture her life as Mother Teresa, one of the most holy people to walk the earth during our lifetimes. And what is holiness if not closeness to God? It is easy to assume that she must have enjoyed the most amazing peace in her heart knowing that she walked with God every day.
As it turns out, her journals revealed an inner struggle that she felt for most of her life, but even those closest to her did not discover it until after her death. It’s hard for me to imagine, but reportedly she suffered with feelings of being separated from God, even rejected. She called it, “the darkness,” and it seems to have started when she began her work in Calcutta.
Okay, first of all, if Mother Teresa was separated from God, where does that leave the rest of us? How could Mother Teresa, of all people, not feel close to God? If He isn’t close to someone who devoted her entire life to sharing his love with the poorest of the poor, then how can any of us hope to draw near to Him? So my initial reaction is to wonder how she could have possibly felt this way.
Then again, let’s recall where she spent her life. She actually lived right in the slums with the people she served. She saw suffering that most of us will, thankfully, never be able to imagine. I suppose it is only human to be overcome with grief and frustration in places like that.
It is in this realization that we can begin to absorb how her “darkness” really tells us about another dimension of her devotion. It speaks to the depth of her obedience that she would continue to dedicate her life to His work, even while feeling that He was rejecting her. Seriously, I always believed that she must have found the strength for that mission through her closeness to God. Now we find out that she didn’t even have that comfort in her life.
Then again, it sounds like “the darkness” was a motivator for her. She describes how it allowed her to better understand Jesus’ thirst, which she incorporated into the vision of the Missionaries of Charity. (I quoted that earlier this week.) In this way, she felt that she had a special communion with his thirst for souls. In some ways, this might be what kept her driven for the half century of her ministry.
Before our final prayer today, I want to share a glimpse at my process this week. When I first read about this “darkness” of Mother Teresa, my gut instinct was that I shouldn’t write about it. For some reason, I planned to just focus on everything else and avoid this subject all together.
It was only when I ran across the idea a second time, while looking for other information, that I realized how important this aspect of St. Teresa’s life might be for all of us. Let’s face it, we all have doubts and insecurities that run through our minds sometimes, and it is easy to let them get us off track. Not only did her inner struggle not derail the work of Mother Teresa, I believe she found a way to use it as a motivator for her life.
What a beautiful example of enduring faith. I think this might be the most important lesson we can glean from the life of Mother Teresa. No matter how much the noise and distractions of this world might try to weaken my resolve, I need to remain strong in the commitment to my calling. And whenever I feel myself starting to doubt the love and grace of God in my life, I need to recall St. Teresa of Calcutta, who had her own doubts while living her life on earth but persevered to become one of the greatest servants of our Lord in modern times.
Dear Jesus, thank You for guiding us to uncover the human struggles of the beautiful role models You have given us. Please help us to learn the lessons You mean to share through the example of Mother Teresa and the remarkable way she overcame her feelings of darkness. Guide us to mimic her devotion as we strive to be the parts of Your body in our world.